i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
