Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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