I'm jealous of your bromance
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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