she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
