Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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