Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
