That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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