whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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