nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
