Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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