I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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