Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Michael Bay diarrhea
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
