she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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