Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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