she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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