I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
