So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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