My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
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