If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
