we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
They have beer where we have blood.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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