my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
