they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
