I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
