its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
