I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
