Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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