Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
