Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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