well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just forgot I was standing up.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Randomize
