ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I think I have vodka in my lungs
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
