True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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