Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I would fuck him just for his dog
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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