My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
