I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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