i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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