i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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