Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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