Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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