ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
