just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
