i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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