The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
