My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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