Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
