So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
