Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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