U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Terrible idea I love it
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
