she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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