I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
