i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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