4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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